Ying Yang

DUDE-MAN, I'm totally off the wall crazy, i can tell i am. I'm happy and content one minute, and sad and depressed the next. Not about life, though i have no life. Oh indeed in France i have no life. i stay home all the time, one moment I'm content with being here in France, and the next I'm depressed and angry and wanting to go home. I don't know, people frustrate me, sometimes i just can't stand...[big sigh] people. So...yea i have no life as well as having mood swings. The host brother has a life, maybe it's just because I'm only three months in...i don't know. But the other exchange kids who have been here for just as long as i have...have a gillion friends, and go out, and speak way better french then i do. And i know I'm improving and when i realize that i am improving that's when I'm happy but then the rest of the time I'm just down and out and in a funk, i just can't describe it. I get news from home, most of which hasn't been great, grandpa's in a wheelchair now, i never get to talk to my sister because she has two jobs plus school. I talk to my parent's all the time and don't get me wrong i am not homesick. Okay i lied. well no i didn't. Well, [sigh] i miss home, i miss my friends, my true friends, the people who truly care for me. And i am fine on my own, granted I'm lonely, but I'm where i can't be with people who keep me good company, and make me feel good, and [giant sigh] it's less fun here than i thought it would be. Alright so last week i missed school for the first time in a month, all day Tuesday, Wednesday, and the morning on Thursday. At first i felt bad but then i just liked having the time to myself to think. But my host mom just came in and gave me beef for it. And she was sweetish about it, but it's not something you can necessarily be sweet about, but she said, damn it happened five minutes ago and i can't remember exactly what she said, something about rotary..and I'm on the borderline and she's the one with the power right now to send me home. But i do remember one this she said perfectly "this is not your home, you have to play by the rules." Isn't the point of the rotary exchange to be welcomed into a strangers home to intensively learn the language and culture and become part of that family, and they change you're life forever. So far some of that has happened for me..i will remember them forever, even if i do go home early, because i have never been such an emotional wreck in such a short period of time. Which freaks me out, and i feel really just ying yang about everything right now.